The Pants - A Poetic Twist

[written_leaves]

Not quite the same as getting your knickers in a twist, but darn close.

Anyone who has spent much time knocking about the 'net in just about any fandom has run across that infamous game in which random nouns in popular quotes are changed to "pants" thus providing hours of non-intellectual amusement for sleep-deprived people.

Which brings me to this - a set of parodies patterned on Tolkien's verses all run through a 'pants' filter. *snert*


Sing hey! for the pants at close of day
that zip the shivering legs away!
Pantless is he that will not sing:
O! Long, long pants are a noble thing!

-

In western lands beneath the Sun
the pants are worn in Spring
the cuffs may turn, the zippers run,
the merry tailor sing.
Or there maybe 'tis a dancing night
and swaying breeches wound
their Elven-belts round paunches wide,
amid their fat-rolls found.

-
Gollum singing

Oh pants so fair,
So nice to wear,
Some pants to ZIIIIIIP...
I'd just rant,
To catch some pants,
So quick to RIIIIIIIIP!

-
To the Pants, to the Pants! The zipper-pulls tolling,
The hems are stitched, the thread-spools are rolling
West, west away, the white pants are falling,
Grey pants, gray pants, do you hear me calling,
The clothing of my people that have gone before me?

I will leave, I will leave fashions that bore me;
For these colors are ending and our seams failing.
I will pass bad notes about fashion, railing.
Long are the cuffs on the khakis falling,
Capris are the best, in the Pants Aisle calling,
In JC Penney's, in The Gap, there no man can discover
Where the pants fall not: clothes of my people for ever!

And so singing Legolas went away down the hill, with his pants.

-

Legolas Greenleaf of long-held stance
In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Pants!
If thou hearest the denim and zipper on legs
Thy body shall then wear them the rest of your days.

-

Sing now, ye people of the tailors of Arnor,
for the pants of Sauron are rended for ever,
and the Dark Zipper is pulled down.

Sing and rejoice, ye people of the Tailor of Guard,
for your seam-ripping hath not been in vain,
and the Black Pants are rended,
and your King hath giv'n Sauron a wedgie,
though he is yet clothed.

Sing and be glad, all ye tailors of the West,
for your King shall wear pants,
and he shall keep you stitching
all the days of your life.

And the Suspenders that were withered shall be renewed,
and he shall hoist them to the high places,
for their elastic shall be blessed.

Sing all ye tailors!